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Getting your beach bod for the summer (The Funny Side)

Friday - July 13, 2018 11:00 am , Category : WORLD
My wife s magazines make me laugh. On the cover one headline is always something like "Learn To Love Yourself As You Are" another is "Lose 5 kg In Two Weeks" and a third is "New Pasta Recipes".

It seems these days we all want to slim.
One colleague shared a motivational tip that is "guaranteed" to make one eat less: "You put a large mirror by your dining table and eat all your meals naked."
Nice idea but it would be hard to get buy-in from my wife and children.
Googling for better advice led me to stumble on an interesting true story.
A guy called Mike Lee due to have a beach wedding decided to get in shape. A fitness trainer handed him a pencil and a book of numbers telling him: "Add up the calories of everything you eat and deduct the calories of everything you burn in physical activity."
Ding! Mike had a flash of inspiration. Being a nerd he wrote a programme to do it automatically called it "MyFitnessPal" and later sold it for almost half a billion US dollars.
A colleague who swears by this app explained its magic: "You don t have to keep typing in foods because it learns your eating habits and you don t have to type in your activity level since it takes the information from how much your smartphone moves around every day."
In other words it is a fitness app for people who think a bit of typing is way too much hard work. Ooooo-kay. My kind of people.
Fun fact: Did you know that the Germans have a word for comfort eating? "Kummerspeck" literally means "griefbacon". If you point at a German s bulging midriff he or she will say: "My life is stressful so what you see is the bacon of grief."
One colleague said we should all buy that Samsung Galaxy smartphone which has a built-in filter that makes you skinnier in photos. I said: "But the downside is that you can never meet your relatives face-to-face again."
"How is that a downside?" he asked. Good point.
Tip for husbands: If you ever walk into a bathroom and see your spouse weighing herself you say: "Ignore the weighing sales. They don t measure sexiness." (Seriously. They totally like this.)
This columnist used to just stick to Ms. Piggy s Rule of Nutrition which says: "Never eat anything that you can t lift."
But lately I concocted a three-part dieting plan.
* Get rid of all the bad food from your fridge. (I did this. It was delicious.)
* If you eat illicit snacks always eat the whole bag of chips at once because if you save half for later that s two failures instead of one.
* When you weigh yourself always deduct 3 pounds or 1.4 kilos as it would be wrong to count your amazing brain against you right?
In the end this columnist decided to skip the diet and take a philosophical stance instead. I shouldn t complain about carrying a couple of extra kilos because it would be unfair to everyone else if I was this intelligent cute warm and slim too.
And if anyone comments I shall simply point to my stomach and tell them: "I have children. This is the bacon of grief."
(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments via his Facebook page)

--IANS nury/vm

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