It s not what you wear, but the way you wear it (The Funny Side)

Definition of being behind on the laundry: When you find yourself seriously considering wearing a Halloween costume to work.

I expected my wife to veto the idea but she was okay with it saying: "It s not what you wear that counts but whether you can carry it off."

Mind you this was in a phone conversation and so she couldn t see what I was wearing. In the event going to work in a killer clown outfit was not as bad as it might have been and the fake bloodstains on the costume proved advantageous. Fellow passengers quickly gave me a seat on the bus -- actually a whole block of seats.

The main (and possibly only) advantage of marriage for guys is that we are given full-time aides ("wives") who generally prevent us going out looking too ridiculous. Men lack the enzyme which processes self-awareness which is why we think we look good in Speedos.

Proof: In my true-crime file is a report about a criminal fugitive on the run in Japan who disguised himself in a girls sailor suit school uniform. Since he was a tall man with massive shoulders he managed to evade detection for only minutes.

Another true story: Last year a pair of bank robbers decided to dress as women to scope out a bank in Thomasville Florida. The result was the opposite of what they expected: They became the centre of attention of course.

It is really hard for men to dress convincingly as females as we lack the two main things that make a woman a woman -- good taste and the ability to walk with our feet clamped in instruments of torture known as "lady s shoes".

There s one exception which proves my point. In November last year the coach of the Thailand women s kabaddi team was dismayed to find out that males were banned from attending women s sports events in Iran where his team was playing. So he wrapped his head in a female scarf and marched straight in. He fooled nobody but correctly judged that the women would be too nice to throw him out. Smart guy.

Our UK correspondent shared a sad news item about a group of men who raised money for their local hospital by dressing as nurses and pushing a bed around town. The hospital refused to accept the cash as they said it was considered politically incorrect for men to dress as nurses these days.

This seems unfair as I have seen marathon runners dressed as bananas dinosaurs and Q-Tips without complaint from fruit sellers paleontologists or people who like to poke things in their ears.

But the political issues surrounding women s clothes are complex. In 2011 someone organised a "slutwalk" in Canada. This involved scantily-clad females marching down the road with protest banners. When the Slutwalk arrived in Asia the women were fully covered up and many of the marchers were male; so the event missed the point a bit like the Animal Rights Barbecue that a friend of mine once tried to organise.

Anyway like my wife says it s not what you wear but how you wear it. By the way I look great in a Speedo.

(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments via his Facebook page)

--IANS
nury/hs