Imaginary ailments make me ill (The Funny Side)
I don t always Google my cold symptoms but when I do I have the Black Death pregnancy and a disease only horses get.
This is not actually that surprising. I ve had every disease known to man except hypochondria and I ll probably get that from a toilet seat later today.
But I will admit that some diseases are definitely all in the mind. There s a sign hanging from the ceiling at a hospital near where this columnist lives: "Beware of your head." Wise advice.
Consider a letter I received from a reader in Thailand about a murder earlier this year. A man was found dead in Chiang Mai with 15 bullets carefully fired into his bottom. Investigators puzzled by the mode of execution eventually uncovered one of those bizarre-but-true stories that you only get in Asia.
A woman 39 had been seeking a cure for the constipation suffered by her husband 40. As one would they consulted a witchdoctor who confirmed that a "Death By Constipation" curse existed but a spell to remove it could be had for the equivalent of $2 900.
So far so relatively normal (for Asia). But later the couple remembered that a family member had died of constipation 10 years earlier. OMG!
Clearly the doctor was a serial killer whose modus operandi was to remotely shut down people s digestive systems!
So the couple did what they felt they had to do according to police: They got a gunman to kill the witchdoctor by gunshots to the buttocks because -- if you think about it scientifically -- that would surely break the spell right?
Last I heard the couple were facing the terrifying prospect of many years in Thai jail a thought I know will dramatically cure the husband s constipation. Stand well back!
Constipation is just one of many ailments with a mental element. I once told a colleague that his bloodshot eyes were "a sign of a twisted uterus" and he took it seriously rubbing his abdomen and making an appointment with his doctor.
Which reminds me: we are overdue for an outbreak of koro.
This is a disease that appears in epidemic form every decade or so. It goes like this. 1) A guy imagines his genitals are smaller than he thought and privately tells a friend that they ve shrunk. 2) The friend starts to worry which causes his genitals to shrink too. 3) Repeat x 1 000.
There ve been many koro epidemics (Singapore in 1967 Thailand in the 1970s Northeast India in the 1980s West Africa in the 1990s and 2000s) but except for a small 2010 outbreak in south India nothing recently. I may start an outbreak myself. Male readers: Do you feel your boxer shorts are more roomy than they used to be? Uh-oh.
The official modern medical treatment for koro is "education and reassurance" but I suspect the traditional Chinese remedy works better: Healers bang a giant gong very loudly near the sufferer and tell him he s fine now.
In fact the big gong thing could pretty much cure anyone of anything including constipation. I may wheel one into my local hospital and try it out for the sake of medical science. Stand well back!
(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveller. Send ideas and comments via his Facebook page)
--IANS
nury/sac
